Create a Win/Win
Mar 05, 2021
Children do not wake up with the intention to misbehave. They will go about their day seeking to fill whatever their underlying needs are. When they do something that angers or frustrates us, we can try to remember they are still learning boundaries and limits.
In our society we are taught to immediately stop the 'bad behavior' in whatever way possible. The way most of us were taught to handle these situations is to react harshly and get the situation under control. This only makes things worse because now we have a 'power struggle' on our hands. Or worse, we have a child that withdraws, feels powerless, and internalizes the pain.
If we practice coming at these situations with curiosity, it's a win/win. Our child not only learns healthy communication but also learns that their voice does matter. They will feel valued and respected.
These children are more apt to cooperate.
Think about this in your own life...If someone makes you feel bad, are you motivated to do more for them? I know I'm not. However, when someone is treating me with kindness and respect, I am motivated to help them more.
This is what we do when we 'react' and how it makes our children feel:
Threaten > Scared
Control > Powerless
Yell > Silenced
Punish > Manipulated
Alternatively, we can take this opportunity to create space between the child's action and our response.
Before anything... pause and count to 10.
This is what we do when we 'respond' and how it makes our children feel:
Ask them a question > Respected
Express our feelings > Trusted
Create a fun transition > Seen & Heard
Ask for their help > Valued
It's about creating an environment of positivity and structure rather than one of anger and chaos.
It takes practice to change generational parenting lessons we've learned. However, by doing so your child will know her value, know he has a voice that matters in this world, and will develop a strong sense of self-worth.
